Coffee Credited With Prevention of 65 Million Murders Daily

SEATTLE, WA—Criminal justice researchers recently explored a controversial theory about crime prevention and discovered that one of the greatest deterrents to homicide is having a cup of coffee.

Researchers have known for some time that homicides that are not premeditated frequently involve the use of alcohol or illicit substances, which makes sense considering the effects of lowering executive function in the brain. The new theory that these researchers examined regarding coffee is whether substances that appear to temporarily improve cognitive function might also serve as an additional protective measure against the rage, frustration, and grumpiness that often is involved in a typical second-degree murder.

"Think of it this way," said lead researcher Gary J. Kennealy, Ph.D. "Maybe I come into work one day, and I didn't sleep well, and I have a headache, and I didn't get any breakfast. A colleague walks into my office without knocking, and asks me to cover his afternoon course. According to our study, without a morning cup of coffee, I'm about 45% more likely to pick up my desk lamp and bludgeon him to death right there, versus if I had had just a single 12 oz. cup of coffee before leaving the house."

The logic seems simple enough. Although the researchers did not hone in on whether it is specifically caffeine that has the effect, it makes sense that caffeine may give people just a little more self-control that is so desperately needed when interacting with buffoons all day.

The implications for this researcher are far reaching. Not only are prevention programs now possible, including coffee vouchers for at-risk persons, but it also may shed light on multiple crimes from the past. Professor Kennealy shared that he currently has a graduate student looking over old murders and thus far has found striking evidence that in the majority of those cases, the perpetrator had not had any coffee that morning before leaving the house. "I mean, I know he was acquitted and all," said Dr. Kennealy, "but there's pretty strong evidence that O.J. [Simpson] mistakenly drank decaf on the morning of the murders. So...just saying."

Coffee companies have been quick to latch onto this new research, now touting their brews as "life-saving" and "sanity-restoring." One popular national chain is considering a new slogan for their brand: "Don't go to prison: Go to Dunkin'."