Ladies and Gentlemen, I am about to bring up a topic that's a little, well, taboo. I want to assure you, however, that I am not a creep or a weirdo. I am a middle-aged business owner, who pays his taxes and takes good care of his two cats. I also see dead people. Like, in a romantic way, I mean.
Before you pass judgement, just hear me out. I'm not like those nuts you see in the movies who get all glossy-eyed and drooly about just any dead person. I have standards, and I have poise. I like to get to know dead people I see, and I always take them on at least three dates before anything gets serious. And it's never anything freaky: Mostly, I like to prop them up in a chair while I pretend to have a conversation with them. Based on what I know about their lives, I like to imagine what they would answer. Sometimes, we really hit things off, and have a whirlwind romance for a few days until it's time for the burial.
Again, this is not a creepy thing. The way I see it, what better way to celebrate someone's life than to give them one last torrid love affair? After all, they can't get hurt from it, because they are dead. I can't break their heart, because it stopped beating.
What do I get out of it, you ask? What can I say—I'm a people person. It's just nice to get to know these folks in the most intimate of ways that I would never get to otherwise. I promise that I will remember your loved ones as their best selves, because I won't ever experience their flaws. I'll just have my fantasies of what our relationship was like, which are always perfect, if sometimes dramatic.
So please, if you know of some recently-deceased individual in need of some companionship before the burial or cremation, give me a call. They can't regret it.
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