PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea or North Korea has been an authoritarian nation shrouded in secrecy for much of its existence. Refugees and journalists consistently cite dire living conditions and severe human rights abuses against its citizens; murder, enslavement, torture, imprisonment, forces abortions, and sexual violence are just some few of these abuses. Until recently, it was assumed that North Korea exacted strict obedience through public executions, arbitrary detention, forced labor, tight travel restrictions, and religious persecution as well as control over freedoms of expression, assembly, and so forth. However, it has recently been revealed that the single, true reason that North Koreans are loyal is their pity for Kim Jong-un, the country’s Supreme Leader.
Based on comments or observations from defectors and journalists, the average North Korean feels sorry for Kim Jong-un. This is not difficult to imagine as he has a terrible haircut and is overweight and socially awkward, often threatening the leaders of other nations with little to no provocation. It is almost like the tantrum of a toddler desiring attention—good or bad—or needing nap time. In fact, many times his state-issued wife has to read him a propaganda-based bedtime story and tuck him in before he will sleep. Speaking of his wife, Ri Sol-ju, sources formerly close to the couple have related on condition of anonymity that the arranged marriage was the only way the “poor guy” would have any type of relationship with an unrelated woman. Those same sources have confirmed that while Kim Jong-un has no heir publicly, he actually has no idea how procreation works nor any cognizance of the concepts of male or female; indeed, some citizens felt so bad for the absolute dictator that they offered their own children to him for adoption, even if only for appearances.
Additionally, the dictator has a huge image problem with the rank and file “comrade.” In 2012, North Korea’s state news agency at the time declared, likely by Kim Jong-un’s behest and due to his desire to be noticed, that researchers had found “a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong, founder of the Koguryo Kingdom.” The report claimed that the unicorn lair’s proximity to the capital proves that Pyongyang was the ancient capitol of Korea and legitimizes Kim Jong-un’s leadership. Upon hearing the ridiculous report, many North Koreans shook their heads or grimaced visibly and said things to the effect of “that poor, poor man.” Out of pity, they endured the increasingly burdensome food shortage brought on by that year’s drought and tightening embargos.
North Koreans know that their Supreme Leader doesn’t have a lot going for him. For example, the self-proclaimed highlight of Kim Jon-un’s life was his meeting in Singapore with President Trump, whom he repeatedly called—and may have thought was—President Obama, painfully unaware of any misstep. The situation worsened when he demanded a specifically worded autograph from President Trump, who rolled his eyes before patting the dictator on his head empathetically and signing on a stained piece of notebook paper, “To my best friend in the whole world forever. Love, President George McCain Obama, Jr.” Though it was too late to do anything about his condiment-stained uniform onesie, Kim Jon-un’s wife stepped in at the last moment to help when he asked President Trump to burp him after their joint meal of hammer-and-sickle-shaped chicken nuggets. One refugee commented, “I almost returned to North Korea to be tortured and murdered out of how sorry I felt for the man. Any pain or suffering that I would endure would not be nearly as miserable as his poor, despicable life.”